To: Global Warming

From: A Believer

Re: The Big Time

07 • 15 • 05

Dear Global Warming:

I write to congratulate you on your big break: the American president's recent and most public concession that you do, after all, exist. Indeed, not only do you exist, but Washington will even acknowledge that your very promising career might be, on occasion, nudged along by the activities of some of God's children.

I know you are not entirely new to the heady experience of being spoken of in and around the Oval Office, that potent egg (subversively womanish) that wields such a long and mighty sword. Even this president's own father believed in you when he ran the shop, but of course that was a different time: before science got a reputation as the flimsy, partisan tool of crazed secularists; before genetic research, carbon dating, and the human rational endowment came to be seen as one huge loogie in the very eye of the Almighty.

Sure, you were recognized by presidents gone by, mired in reason and evidence and surrounded by appointees who didn't even have the basic decency to anoint themselves upon taking office. But to be acknowledged by this administration is something new. The Bush White House is to unwelcome information what the Big Apple is to starlets and tycoons: if you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere.

Global warming, you've paid your dues, and you've played it smart. What a curious admixture of doubt and belief you've had to navigate in this mysterious executive branch. How to pitch yourself to a team whose faith is so vehement, yet so fickle? Rapture? Yes. Stem cell research? No. Confidential presidential testimony in public inquiries? Yes. Confidential personal medical records? No. Abstinence to stop AIDS? Yes. Fairies? Definitely not.

Your references were no help. Europe's been with you for years, but they are, you know, Europe. And anyway, their credibility was blown when Donald Rumsfeld shrewdly pointed out that Europe is old. (Booya.) You had Kyoto, but everyone knows what it means to be big in Japan. And of course, you had the tree-huggers, who have finally been exposed for the self-serving shmucks they are. PR campaigns by civic-minded oil moguls have at last lifted the veil from the eyes of the American people: 41% of Americans now agree that environmentalists are "extremists" and not "reasonable people."

Fortunately, you weren't complacent; you didn't just rely on connections to get to the top. You cooked up your own savvy publicity stunts. A hurricane tantrum here, a hot, sea-level-boosting cry there; your antics even landed you a starring role in a Hollywood blockbuster, you minx.

But even at that, you couldn't rely on your target audience to read the signs in expected ways; the Rapture-ready see your rumblings as evidence not that things are falling apart, but that they're falling into place. "You are a walking pustule," translates as "Prepare to meet thy God, thou lucky thing." A broken telephone for a broken planet. I imagine you like Milton's Satan, circling the world cursing your creators. You crash and storm with resentment but crave, after all, the notice of those against whom you rail.

Then, finally, a coup at Gleneagles. You seem to have convinced some very unlikely people of your importance. Global warming, you have--and I do not say this lightly--made it. But don't get lazy. You and your publicists will have to keep thinking about how best to augment the footprint you leave on the public imagination. Blood and gore are usually a good bet, but there is a glut of these at the moment. We're bottlenecked. If I were you I'd hold off on ripping a hurricane through a glass factory.

A steady campaign of quirky news stories might help: a Swedish biologist on an Antarctic expedition dies of heat stroke and is devoured by mangey penguins; Nalgene races to the top of the Fortune 500, crediting earthlings' desperate efforts to hydrate, that sort of thing. But people aren't much good at connecting such dots. And if they do they get teased about sounding like Chomsky.

There is a long-term strategy I'm almost certain would help boost your image, but I'm reluctant to write it for fear of legal reprisal. Let's just say it rhymes with Ryantology. Check it out.

Finally, you might consider the "accidental" release of a home video depicting you and a partner engaged in, shall we say, intimate congress. You would have to reflect on who would set you off to best effect; the congress needn't be with a member of Congress, although that would work. You have a host of vested interests to choose from. You probably shouldn't go with big oil (so tired); a pert automaker or even an especially lithe EPA intern would be better. Cheney is out of the question for in front of the camera, but he might not mind being asked to direct. Most accurate would be an orgy with the whole lot of us, but the logistics would be a nightmare--and who would be left to watch? Just the Unabomber, and he probably hasn't even switched to DVD.

I'm not worried; you'll figure it out. You're doing great so far. Once again, congratulations and all best wishes for continued fame.

Hot, hotter, hottest!

A Believer